I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
