i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
And then he peed in my hair
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