i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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