Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
