I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
