According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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