A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
