I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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