I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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