Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize