I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
