remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
