Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
bring money and cleavage
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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