I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
