I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
