i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
