You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
