Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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