My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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