When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
ok first of all what the fuck
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
