I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
