I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
