I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
