I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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