3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Me too!
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
