i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
