Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize