The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
