I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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