shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
