I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
