Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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