dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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