Im at strip club and am horny
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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