Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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