if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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