shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
