This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
