The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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