I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
