ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
