you didnt know i had herpes?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
