tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
