shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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