My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
