I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i will never coherently bang her
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
