Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I need a burrito and a hug.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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