You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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