You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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