I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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