My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We left the knife in your bed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
