I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Randomize
