i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
