A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
