I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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