So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
