So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
