moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
