I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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